The Art of Being Selfish

My sister and I got in a huge fight once (please keep your snide comments about how we always fight to yourself, we are trying to grow up and recover) and she told me I was the Most Selfish Person Ever. Ever. I think a normal person would counter that accusation with a five-year-old's response, "Am Not!"

I didn't.

I mean, come on, I was single. Actually, I had been divorced for many years at that time, which is worse than just being single, in my mind, anyway... Marcey was married with three kids of her own and a step-son already, and despite the fact that we are only 15 months apart in age, she had recently crossed over into the darkness of her 30's and I was going to forever be 20 something.

I wish.

I really was a very selfish person at that time. But how is that bad? I lived the single life, I was very far away from any family, I worked and went to school and had hobbies and crazy friendships and boyfriends. Duh, of course I was selfish. Who else was I to focus on? Sometimes it is a bit harder to find yourself than to lose your identity to your husband and children. I never did blame my sister for thinking or saying that aloud because, compared to her, I was selfish. But just because it looks like fun to others doesn't mean that it is. Well, some of it was fun, some of it was rather lonely though.

Then suddenly I wasn't lonely... I mean, selfish, anymore!

I have to say that I love my husband and I love being married and, although we long for our own kids, I do enjoy the freedoms of being childless. I enjoy devoting all of my relationship energy on our marriage, I realize not everyone has that luxury, not even after their children are long gone from the nest. (I hear you are never really rid of them kritters.) So I suppose, in a way, I am still rather selfish.

But not really.

With Sheldon deployed I have a lot of time on my hands. I don't have any money, with the whole lack-of-a-job thing, but we can all use a little more cash these days. I think everyone wishes they had more time or more money and maybe they'd do more for others. Maybe they would try to take care of those who need a little extra help? Maybe they'd lose a little bit of their own hair by trying to reason with someone else's teenager? Maybe they'd hug and kiss on other peoples' babies even though it hurts to do so? Maybe they'd volunteer to pass out cookies at the USO? Maybe they'd take a whole morning, an entire afternoon or sit well into the evening sipping coffee with an old friend? or a new friend? Maybe they'd make a real sacrifice and drink a really great beer instead? Maybe they'd go on a 5,000 mile road trip and try to visit as many friends and family as they could before they were out of time and money? Before they had get home to take care of cats and worry about things that aren't helped by worry?

Or maybe Not.

Maybe they'll just sit at home and be selfish. And suck.

confidential p.s. : It is called a different time zone. 6 am for you is 4 am for me. Don't ever text me that early again. Ever. Thanks.

So sad the trip has ended...

I wish I was better about updating about my trip across the country. I still can't believe I did it! I went nearly 5,000 miles by myself (yes, I got the oil changed, honey) with almost no back tracking. As you know from the previous blog, I spent a glorious week in Denver, four stunning days in Cedar Rapids, and another fun filled week in Detroit with the best in-laws ever. Carole, my mother-in-law, Crystal, Sheldon's sister, and her two wonderful kids kept me well entertained when I was not entertaining them... Crystal wanted me to openly admit, in my own blog, to ripping her stupid midget door off its hinges and falling down the stairs with it IN MY HANDS... maybe she can hire a contractor to get that fixed... maybe not the same shoddy husband/contractor that hung the door in the first place (Jason!) whatev, just an idea. I might have been a bit drunk when all of this happened, that is all I remember. Oh, except the part where I was so mortified I almost cried and they laughed at me, in my face. Nice. When I was not shattering their home I was helping to decorate for, my niece, Madison's first birthday party. They scored a perfect white canopy tent for the back yard cookout party and I have to say the day was wonderful and perfect. And Madison ate her whole entire cake and didn't get any icing on her white dress that Uncle Sheldon bought for her. Everyone missed him that day and wished he could have been there, especially me. Our nephew Alex would have loved throwing Uncle Sheldon in the pool too.

I made a pit stop in Clarksville, TN to see our property out there. After a pipe busting fiasco this past winter we had nearly all of the walls and flooring replaced and that sucker is about ready to be put on the market. I got to have lunch with an old friend of mine from Recruiting School, Joe Morra and he offered to help with getting the yard and outside of the house a little TLC. That was sweet and then I high tailed it out of there. I never did like Clarksville. With the home state mere hours away, I blazed through Nashville without stopping. Nadeen, my oldest and very best, most cherished friend of my life had left her porch light on for me out by the lake...

My nearly two week stay in Georgia was spent between between Nadeen's, my double cousins, Brandee and Breanna's house in Norcross, Dad's in Snellville and the Skank Motel (it is a joke) in Columbus. I was not as efficent with my time as I could have been, it was a little overwhelming to be home and know that I had such a precious few days to do and see everything I wanted to do. Some of the highlights were going to my favorite Thai place with the girls in Columbus, of course I had an amazing dinner at Hunter's Pub (duh!) I got to see the Columbus cousins, Christopher, Selena & Ritchie, Kaleigh, Kourney, Loni & Danny, Jaden, Laena, and Karina. Ugh, I just love them so much! My heart just aches for having precious time with my wonderful extended family. I miss living down the road from you guys. You have no idea. I got to spend a little bit of quality time with the Norcross cousins as well. Quality time that included listening to Brandee scream at Big Brother and So You Think You Can Dance! We also got to go eat at our favorite noodle place. Nadeen had a cookout at the lake and it was a mini reunion for us with Cheryl (Tobin) Ingles and Stef (Seagle) Whitlock and their families. A day at the lake (just like when we were kids) was exactly what we all needed before they all headed back to school. We even got to abuse the kids a bit by dragging them behind the boat... Fun Day!

Dad is doing better, health wise, for all who have asked (thanks!) He is a lot more mobile and getting stronger. He still has a bit of a struggle with word associations and a few names (whose fault is it your named your twin sons Daniel and Daryll?) need a second or two to remember. I tried to have a yard sale for him, but it was kind of a bust. So we gave up and went to a BBQ at Daniel's farm house in Cumming on the last day of my visit. My brothers know a thing or two about some cookin' (and ladies, they are single...) Man, I mean, they can flat cook! Mom would be proud. That is all I am going to say about that... (it was real good!) My brothers and I had been used to being geographically distant while they were growing up, but yet again, I got spoiled living so close to them for the past few years. I hate saying goodbye to them, I really do.

I spent one last night in Gainesville with Nadeen and Mark before getting up early to drive back to Texas. Turns out, that was a good idea. With plenty of rest I powered through to Dallas, slept a couple hours at a rest stop, and made it back to El Paso in under 28 hours total. Not bad. Now that I am here, I am remembering how quiet and lonely it is. But the cats missed me, the dogs missed their yard that was over grown with weeds, and I know it is my job to hold down the Fort.
Fort Jones.
Home Sweet Home.
(I LOVE MY BED!!!)
Maybe I'll get one of those actual real JOBS...

V

Don't threaten to run away from home... just go.

So, I held my breath and he did not come back. As Sheldon settled into his gig in the dreaded desert, I got a little restless. So I packed it up, loaded the dogs and left El Paso. I was supposed to hangout til September and run a half marathon with the Army wives, but training in El Paso proved to be a little too difficult for me. When the weather is mild there it only gets to 95. Otherwise it hits triple digits by 9am. No Thanks. Driving with the windows down, as fast as allowed, through the desert seemed more my speed. So I headed north to Colorado, where else? I spent the better part of a week between Colorado Springs and Longmont. The first stop, was breakfast with Leigh (Verzyl) Wright and her GORGEOUS family in the Springs. For those of you who don't know, Leigh is the girl that insisted on going with me to Basic Training all those years ago. We parted ways early, took different paths, but even after all these years we remain rooted and bonded by more than just high school history or Army adventures. It was wonderful to see her and meet her husband and children... and dogs.

I got back on course and made it to Denver to see Michelle and her kiddos for lunch in the park that first day before settling in in Longmont with my Colorado hostess with the mostest, Lisa. Gage knocked over her "Dogs Welcome" sign and made himself at home with Aunt Lisa. While we were there we got to enjoy early mornings at the dog park, then coffee on the porch with Lisa, Cassia and our dog buddies, Credence and Riggs. Afternoons were spent with Karen, also visiting, from Thailand, with her mini internationals: Sara and George. Karen, my friend from Basic Training and AIT, is the girl that tricked me into moving to Boulder in 1995 after we got off active duty (the first time.) We got to spend more time with Michelle and her Lily, Ally, from Winter Park, with her snow bunnies, Emerson and Madigan, and also made a trip up the big hill to see The Archers and their new mountain man, Mr Soren, and his big sisters Elia and Eden. I mention all these folks because they read this blog and also so that it can be known that I was on a mission to be with my people, and their children, and also their dogs.

I almost could not bear to leave the place that most feels like MY home. The Boulder area has always been my place. Despite the hippie vibe and yuppie influence, it makes sense to me, it is comfortable and comforting and yet, shiny and new everyday. The weather and the people are perfect and wonderful. I hate seeing Boulder in my rear view, so I left late at night and suffered Nebraska in the dark, and inched my way to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Amanda, is my favorite girlfriend from Ft Bragg, she is the girl that always got my jokes, my partner in crime. I can't figure out if it is a good thing or a bad thing that she always lets me act as stupid as I want. In any case, Amanda found a home in a cornfield with her husband and kids and dogs, she tries to act like a grownup out there and I guess she puts on a pretty good routine because those folks seem to be buying, I just had to see it to believe it. While we were there Zoe and Gage got to poop on the corn... (say it out loud)... there's the joke. We also go tto go to the Field of Dreams!!! I hope the post cards were enough, we are on a budget. It was pretty cool, but Iowa rumor has it that they are going to tear it down soon. I hope they are wrong, they built it, I went and truth be told... I'd go again, next time it will be with Sheldon. Next time... I loved visiting Iowa, it feels so Americana and fresh. The cornfields are simply magnificent and I am a huge fan of big red barns. I also got to visit a couple of new girlfriends, Dawn and Becky Clark. We met last year in the Czech Republic and they just so happen to live in the Cedar Rapids area... all the more reason to go there. Amanda's corn fed cuties, Ragan and Emeri were impossible to say goodbye to, so I left at first light without a proper goodbye. I hate that. But before I left the great state of Iowa, I stopped at a road side stand to pick up some sweetcorn for my mother-in-law, but get this: there was no attendant at the veggie stand. It was Self Serve!!! There was a box next to the corn that said "Please pay here" Well, the honor system is all well and good but I needed change for a $5 (it was a dozen ears for $4) so those dang farmers got over on me but by the time I got to Detroit with the corn and had it for dinner, I was over it and realized it was worth a dollar tip. Iowa is kinda like heaven and I kinda miss it.

My mother-in-law Carole is my gardening nemisis. I love her and I love visiting without the winter hastles that Detroit has to offer but her garden is a reminder of my inferiority to my husband's mother. I let Gage pee on her flowers because I suspect they are made of steel anyway. Just kidding. Kinda. Sheldon's birthday is this week and I plan on spending it with his Mom and Sister and our nephew Alex and our niece and 1st birthday girl, Madison. Madison is having a big birthday bash on Sunday and I am super excited to see her in a white dess (that Uncle Sheldon bought) eating cake. She has blue eyes and smiles a lot, like Sheldon.

Stay tuned...

I am still here, I just don't want to talk.

Just before Christmas Verizon Wireless sent me a gift. I call it a gift because... well, they gave it to me. We had ordered a battery for one of our phones and when the box arrived it seemed a bit heavy. The latest and greatest Blackberry Storm, kit and kaboodle was accidentally placed in our box and sent. Sheldon was kinda pissed, he called and told them they better not charge his credit card (I laughed, like he had enough on that credit card to cover a Blackberry Storm!) they told him that it was an an accident and that they would send a tracking number to us so that we could send it back to them... ok. Well, honestly, they never sent us anything.

After a month went by and no one came a knocking down the door I was "allowed" to activate it. I have a love/hate relationship with this bit of technology, this brick in my purse. It is a lot of phone. Now, with him gone... I can't let it out of my sight. All email, Facebook, phone calls and texts make this thing come to life. My spam filters are set to max but of course, with a 13 year old email address, some of the shit gets through and wakes me up at 3 am. But I can't turn it off. I can't ignore it. I get no sleep. I am married to a phone.

So, here is the bottom line. I am here. In El Paso. Loving and Hating my phone. Thanks for calling to check up on me, really. Please don't leave a voice mail, I'll call ya back when I am ready. I just can't handle anymore questions.

V

Iraq Bound

I put off actually thinking about how much I was going to miss everybody until 6 hours before my flight and then it hit me pretty hard. The thought of spending one less year with everybody to include pets was what hit me most. I was only living in the moment for the last few weeks instead of looking forward at this deployment. It made it easier to just enjoy everyone's company. I think it helped Veronica too because there were not as many crying times as I thought there would be. She really surprised with how strong she has been this time around. I will miss her most of all. I was doing pretty good on the flight until the movie started..."Marley and Me". A sad movie about losing your dog and with Marley and Gage both being labs. It hits to close to home. The movie made me miss my pets too. Poor Meeks who will be mad at me for a long time. For those of you that don't know, she was my first pet and I am her favorite. If I have overnight duty or am gone for a few days then it takes her a few days to stop hissing at me. I know Flex, our other cat, will keep Veronica snuggled. It's the other thing he is good at. Eating is his greatest occurrence. He is a 20lb cat. I will miss Zoe looking at me with the sweetest eyes. Most of all, I will miss my wife. I guess I am going to have to find someone else to take care of me for a year. Jut kidding honey. I love you. I will try to keep everyone updated on here.

Ok

I have been on vacation. Not just the go out of town type of vacation. A mental vacation too. And it has been nice. Plus we got to go to Colorado, and it really snowed. I needed the snow. And I got to see my kick ass friends and (most of, sorry, Lil) their kids.

Dad is doing better. He was released from the hospital in Florida last week and the angel, Daryll, brought him home. My turn is coming. I think Dad will be coming to spend some time with me here in El Paso for a little while. And why not? With Sheldon deploying for an undisclosed amount of months and Brittany soon to depart for the Air Force, a girl could get lonely out here in the desert without her people. Besides, I am sure he misses his grand-dogs. Who wouldn't?

Sheldon was supposed to leave this Sunday (in 2 and a half days) but found out yesterday that they are not leaving til mid-May. Hell-Yeah! a million times, Hell-Yeah! F-bomb expletive, Hell-Yeah! Sorry, I'll get down off the desk and finsh.

So things were bad, and they got a little better. What more can you ask for? Besides a winning Lotto ticket... I'll settle for any amount for decent news these days though.

Love, V

Layers

Double Dutch Chocolate Ice Cream, topped with Chocolate Ganache, with Chocolate Shavings and Coco Powder on Top...

That is what my week feels like. Only instead of Chocolate... we are talking about stress and drama. The deployment is still happening in about two weeks. Instead of going on a mini vacation to Colorado... we are heading to Florida, because my Dad is in the hospital, he was visiting friends and ended up having a heart attack last week. While my brothers and sister and I scramble to get there from the four corners of the country, he also had a stroke.

Other fun factors include adjusting to life with an 18 yr old niece living with us and the odd language barrier, makes me feel really old... the real estate issues in Alabama and Tennessee, with the cost of paint and busted pipes... canceled vacations, abandoning my dogs, oil changes, sand storms, falling on a cactus, last ditch efforts with baby making....... blah, blah, yada, yada.

Like the worst gooey pile of layered stress imaginable, I feel like washing it all down the sink with hot water. Really hot water.

V

Just Doing It

Running used to be part of my job and I hated it. When I was in my late teens and early twenties and running more than 15-20 miles a week, I did not think much of it. I was told when and where to show up and blowing it off was never an option (well, sometimes I'd come up with a good excuse.) Ugh, but I dreaded it. I hated the long slow runs, the fast short runs, I hated running with the company, with small groups, I hated running by myself. I hated running trails and I hated the track and if I had to run on a treadmill, I'd fall off and cause a scene just to get out of it. I had a friend once that ran in the front of formation with me and we guided a whole platoon over a patch of ice just so we could fall out, because I hated running when it was cold. I really could not stand running when it was hot out though. I hated running shoes. I have witnesses that can attest to my detestation of moving my feet rapidly on pavement. I failed my PT test more times than I care to admit because I hate to run. Two miles was my enemy. Two miles felt like ten and ten miles felt like... who am I kidding? I've never run ten miles. I thought, "When I get out of the Army I will never run again..."

Now I am 36 years old. I hate the sound of it. But I did read once that runners are in their prime in their 30's. I am going to put my faith and belief in that. I hope that it is true. I really hope it is true because for some reason I have decided to run a half marathon in September. My crazy friend Megan did it last week. Last year Karen ran a half on the Great Wall of China. I need inspiration, so I think of them when I run. Today I ran and passed a PT test in my first two miles, then I walked a mile and thought about how I could dig deep and crank out a few more miles. And then I ran another three miles. I finally found the fabled "zone" that everyone always talks about and I know now, today, that I can really do this. I know at the very least I can finish the 13.1 miles walking in a decent time. But the point is that I am going to do it. Just do it. Except not the whole Nike thing, my feet are too fat for Nikes. Wish me luck.

Let's catch up...

I still can't believe that we live in Texas... It kinda seems like a joke. A very weird joke. My bedroom is still a total mess of Veronica clothing spilling from their boxes. I hate it. But this house feels like home to all of us. Speaking of all of us, my oldest niece, Brittany, has moved in with us for a few months. Honestly, it is wonderful to have her here, she keeps me company and goes to the gym with me every chance we get. Britt has enlisted in the Air Force and is trying to get in shape for Basic Training and that only keeps me motivated to workout as much as humanly possible. We are a good pair. And she is a sweet girl. She likes to help cook and that would be great if it wasn't so hard for me to share my kitchen. I am a total control freak and since we are all trying to figure out where everything goes, it tends to be a little challenging, but I'll get over it. Maybe. Brittany leaves at the end of June and until then I am just going to enjoy having her here. I just don't know if our female cat will ever warm up to her, I tried to explain to her not to take it so personal. Meeks hates everyone except Sheldon, she tolerates me.

Sheldon found out that he is going to be leaving for Iraq the first week of May. I am in denial about it and honestly am not that upset about it yet. Yet. We'll see how that unfolds but at least Britt will still be here with me for a while after he goes. That will be nice. The (sorta) good news is that Sheldon is going to be in charge of an S-3 shop, which means nothing to you civilians... really it means that he will be running the behind the scenes stuff of combat (the office job of soldiering) and the bottom line... not directly in harm's way. Much. (yay.) Knowing him though, he'll still go out on missions on his down time. Don't tell his mom.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Mom's passing. I have to work in the morning, I thought about taking it off but I have no place to go to be with her in peace and quiet. I feel a bit lost here in that sense. I am homesick the most when I think of her. I guess I felt close to her everywhere I went in Columbus because that was her town, I could drive by the old Baker High School and think of her with a bit of ease and comfort that I can't find here. She is not in El Paso. Except that Brittany is here.

Hugs from Texas,
V

Settling in El Paso Style

There are about six boxes left to unpack (Yay!) All of which are labeled "MBR CLOSET" which means it is my stuff and will never be done (Boo!) But the kitchen is done and beautiful and clean, that makes me happy! Both sides of the garage are clean except for the mountain of empty boxes that the movers will come back for today, guess whose car is left out in the cold? Mine.

I know I have said it before but I have to say it again, I love El Paso. The people here are really nice. The scenery is wonderful. Our house is Great. And it is winter so I don't hate the heat yet. All in all things are great over here.

I am missing my friends a lot but strangely I am missing Karen more than usual... and for those of you who do not know, I have been missing Karen for more than three years since she moved to Thailand, and even before that when she was in DC... I guess it is just something about this climate that reminds me of her (she is from Phoenix)and makes me wish we could talk more. That and she started this killer blog about her life in Thailand and she has a way better camera than me and two super cute kids to take picture of on elephants and doing all kinds of cool stuff... she makes me want to overhaul my blog and jazz it up a bit. But I am not feeling creative today... maybe later.

It has been two weeks since we left and I am just starting to realize how much I miss everyone though. I am hoping that we start receiving visitors soon (hint, hint). I have two guest rooms. Well, one is occupied right now. My niece is staying with us for a few weeks till she takes off for the Air Force. It is nice to spend this time with her, but it makes me glad that I am not 18 again!

I have really been an insomniac lately. Like now, and I am totally tired and delirious but can't sleep. I need a job. I worry too much. Maybe I should go back to bed....

We sooooo made it!

OK, after the whirlwind decision to pack it all up and move to Texas... we are here. I don't eve know where the story begins or when it might simmer down to a close but I figure I should update now before I forget the details. First of all, if anyone knows anyone that wants to rent a house in Phenix City, AL, please let us know. We moved out and hired a property management team and are just going to cross our fingers and pray for the best. We really need to get it rented ASAP, or sell it. Whatever.

We packed it all up the day after my 36th birthday. I wanted them to come back with all my stuff as soon as they drove off with it. It was a lot harder to leave Ft Benning than I ever thought it would be. So many factors made our 3 1/2 year stint there feel like a real home, family was a huge part of it but so were the friends and co-workers for both of us. We love all of you guys and will miss you for a very long time. Thanks for the going away party, Selena and Gwen!

The drive west was quite the adventure! We started out with two cars, his filled with cats, mine with dogs and Dad. Somewhere along the way he picked up a nail in his tire and we kicked it in sideways into El Paso... all piled in my car. We felt like the Griswalds for sure. His car was left at a tire shop in Odessa, TX (300 miles from El Paso) for five days waiting for a tire to get flown in. Talk about stress. Upon arrival at Ft Bliss we were informed that there was no housing available for us, we were devastated.

The next day while we scoured the Apartment Guides for a place that accepts large dogs a lady called us and told us to come sign for our house... huh? Apparently, the brand new housing was going through final inspection and WALLA! A New New New House. With a 2 car garage(for his prissy car)! Then the tire shop in Odessa called and said the tire was fixed and they did it all for the cost of the tire, yes! We move into the house tomorrow. Things are coming together. It is winter so the weather is nice right now, I know it will get super hot this summer... but the Army is footing the bill for our AC. All I need now is a job and I will feel even better. But I feel ok. I feel pretty good about all of this to be honest. I feel kinda great.

El Paso-bound

Sorry for not writing for so long... been busy. Yada, yada, yada...

We are moving. Just like that. All of us. Dogs. Cats. Veronica. Sheldon. And all of our shit. The stress is more than overwhelming and task avoidance is a fun game at times like these. I can't even begin to write about all the things and people and family that I will miss, I can't go there. This a time for facing forward and heading west. Honestly, I am happy to be going. I am happy because it means another year without a deployment, another year together. It means we are closer to my side of the planet, even if it means it is farther from my childhood home. And it feels like a real adventure, we got a new Tom Tom from a Christmas gift card, so it all works out perfectly for exploration! West Texas, here we come!

I'll update as soon as possible. Promise.

Freedom Fries are Dead to Us

I have not had a New Years Resolution in years. None that I remember or documented so they must not have been very serious. This year I am giving up French Fries and Sheldon has agreed to go along with it. I am stating this so that our people will help us stick to it. I started working out a few weeks ago so that I could avoid the typical new years cliche but I thought adding the No Fry Rule would be a nice touch. Who needs 'em anyway? I also vowed to recycle. But if we just stopped drinking soda then that would really help in that department. I can only give up so much these days.

Sheldon just returned from Goose Creek, SC for a mini holiday visit with his Dad, Audrey and his sister Katie. (Happy 17th Birthday, Katie!) I think he had a great visit. Katie had come out to visit for a few days before that and we got to hang out and go to a super fun hockey game and then spent New Years at the Chick-fil-A Bowl with my cousin Paco (Christopher), and his buddy... what's-his-name... Ridian and my Dad. I am not a fan of the football thing but I had hoped it would be a fun game to be at... not so much. GT got dragged around and the LSU fans are weird, funny, but weird. Cajuns. You know. Oh, and traffic SUCKED. Whatever, it was something to do.

Happy New Year!
Here's to staying positive, Cheers!
~V